The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
