Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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