if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
