A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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