How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
