Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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