I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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