Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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