Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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