that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
