Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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