So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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