I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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