6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
