Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
