I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am midnight drunk by noon
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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