Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
