If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
