In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
