M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
