Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
