My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
