He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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