i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
