If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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