Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
