see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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