I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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