Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
