I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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