how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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