She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
