Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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