My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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