My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
