Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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