we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
