I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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