i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
