I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's rum buckets o'clock
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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