You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
