last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
