dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
