Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
