Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
