just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
