I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
