im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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