And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
