i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I think I just sharted jello shots
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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