i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
