I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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